Triggered !

I barely managed to maintain composure as the heat rose to the top of my neck, flushing my cheeks. The voice continued in its quest to humiliate. To prove me wrong. To be right. The voice hit its mark, right in the soft spot. A direct hit in that place. That place where I am belittled by her, useless to her, of no use or consequence to her.

Of course, I am not in that place. And she, my stepmother, is not there. I am also not a child anymore. I am a grown-up in a grown-up meeting being chastised by a member of my team who seems to have forgotten that we are on the same side. He argues that he was left out and how very wrong I have been. He argues that he has evidence of the fact. It does not seem to matter that it is not valid. Maybe he has forgotten… maybe… but his self-righteousness is so thick there is no room for any other thought. So, I am now the enemy, the object of his contempt. All whilst being observed by my peers. All of whom say nothing. But then what are they supposed to say.

I should have ended the barrage way sooner but an emotional trigger (even one you know and understand well) is not always easy to manage. It took to me too long to stop trying to defend myself and by the time I demanded for us to “move on”, the damage was already done.

The experience was not all bad though, as things rarely are. Its always good to unpack a trigger and find its true source as its rarely the one in front of you. Mine of course was my step mother and the decades she made me feel inadequate, stupid or just plain ignored.

It served as a gentle reminder to be kind to myself. A reminder that I don’t have to be perfect and that it doesn’t matter what other people think. Those that matter will see my worth. They will not question my integrity. They will work with me towards a solution rather than hindering its path. This was merely a blip on the radar by a poor soul chased by his own demons. One who I will treat with grace but will not let affect me again.

Here’s to a great weekend!

Janine (J9) Nijs